Little Red Full Metal Alchemist
by KitKat
Summary: Gather round kids and read the tale of Ed and his adventure of delivering a basket of goodies to Grandmother Pinako's house.
1. The Journey Begins

Little Red Full Metal Alchemist by KitKat

Disclaimer: I do not own Full metal Alchemist. Funimation owns the North America dub, and Hiromu Arakawa/Square Enix, MBS, ANX, BONES, Dentsu. for the Japanese version. That should about cover it. Now for the ceremonial disposal of the disclaimer. Gluttony if you please.

Gluttony proceeds to eat the disclaimer with a resounding CHOMP!

Chapter 1

The Journey Begins

Once upon a time in a world not unlike our own lived a little boy named Edward Elric.

Ed: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I AM SO SMALL THAT I 'M THE SIZE OF ONE'S THUMB!

Me: I didn't say that. Now let's get back to the story

Ed: grumbles 

Anyway... Ed was a state alchemist . . .

Ed: What did you mean by "little"? Age?

Me: sigh Yes... You are fifteen.

Ed: You are so dead.

Me: You can't get me; I'm on the other side of the gate.

Ed: You know I can . . .

Me: Yeah yeah yeah . . .

Ed had in his possession the silver watch and his red hooded coat. He was never without them even on the day Winry asked him...

Winry: Ed please take this basket of goodies over to Granny Pinako.

Ed: Wait, doesn't she live with you?

Winry: Not in this story. She lives on the other side of Resembool. Just beyond the evil forest of the Seven Deadly Sins that may or may not have all of them cause the author doesn't know how to work everyone in.

Ed: ...

But before Ed had a chance to process all of the information Winry shoved a basket full of goodies and pushed him off into the deep scary forest.

Ed: Let's get this over and done with.

Me: Not yet blondie.

Ed: What now?

Me: Do it...

Ed: Do what?

Me: The red jacket has a red hood. Use it.

Ed grimaced, but had no choice and placed the hood over his head and began to walk toward the scary forest of the Seven Deadly Sins that may or may not have all of them in the story.

Me: Oh no no no...

Ed: What now!

Me: You have to skip merrily through the scary forest.

Ed sweat dropped, but began to skip and began to enjoy himself until he heard the sound of laugher coming from the narrator.

Me: Bwhaha You are so cute! You can walk normally.

And that's what Ed did for about five minutes until he came upon the scariest creature on the face of the earth.

Ed: A wolf?

Me: No.

Ed: A bear?

Me: No

Ed: Winry, during PMS?

Out of nowhere flew a wrench landing squarely on the back of Ed's head.

Ed: Ittai!

Me: coughing and laughing No.

Ed: Then what?

Me: A mustang.

Ed: I hate you.

Roy: Full Metal! Or should I say Little Red Full Metal!

Ed: HOW DARE YOU SAY I'M SO SMALL THAT YOU COULD SQUEEZE ME IN BETWEEN A MATTRESS TO SEE IF A PRINCESS CAN SLEEP WITH ME UNDERNEATH HER!

Roy: I didn't say that, but I like the way you think. Hey let's take a look at what you got inside the goodie basket.

Roy snatched the basket away from Ed and proceeded to rummage through the contents.

Roy: Very interesting... There's shortcake, shrimp, baby carrots, petite sandwiches and I think this milk is just for you.

Ed: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THAT I HATE MILK!

Ed became so deliriously angry the next thing he knew he was facing face to... well almost face to face with Roy Mustang.

Ed: Roy!

Roy: Yes, Full Metal.

Roy said inching his way closer to the petit blond who was still deliriously angry that he didn't notice the word "petit".

Ed: Roy...

Roy: Yes Ed.

Roy kept moving closer until the sound of a gun's trigger being cocked was heard.

Hawkeye: Any closer general, and I will blow your red rocks off.

Both Ed and Roy sweat dropped as Hawkeye appeared.

Hawkeye: So this is where you were all damn day! We have paper work to finish at headquarters!

Hawkeye grabbed Roy at the collar and drug him back to Central.

Ed: That was... interesting. Oh what am I saying! I need to get these goodies delivered, and end this story as quickly as possible!

And with that our chibi sized hero...

Ed: Don't call me short!

Entered into the deep dark scary forest of the Seven Deadly Sins that...

Ed: We get it!

Me: Hmph...

What will be in store for him? Find out in the next chapter!


	2. Deeper Into the Forest

Little Red Full Metal Alchemist by KitKat

I own nothing in regards to the anime, manga, OST, and video games. On the other hand, here is Greed to fill us in on what he owns.

Greed: I own the following: Mt. Fuji, Gainax, South Fork ranch, the state of Rhode Island, the province of Manitoba, The Black Eyed Peas (restaurant and group), Clear Channel Radio, Boardwalk and Park Place, Pepsi, Martin Sheen (He said that I was good), as well as...

Me: That's enough Greed.

Chapter 2

Deeper into the Forest

We last left our diminutive alchemist (screams can be heard in the background), hero, and all around yaoi bait Edward Elric as he was heading deeper into the forest of the Seven Deadly Sins with all that other stuff omitted cause it's a pain typing that all the time. Though the forest was dark and scary, it had cute little fuzzy animals scurrying all around.

They were attacking Ed.

Ed: GET THEM OFF ME! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET THEM OFF ME!

Chipmunks were nipping at Ed's heels. Squirrels jumped from trees into Ed's blond hair. Luckily for Ed none of them bit into his automail. That would have been very bad indeed for the poor little animals.

Ed: WHAT ABOUT ME!

But as Ed was running to and fro trying to get the cute little fuzzy creatures off of his still young and tender flesh there blew an ill wind. All the animals stopped what they were doing to Ed and looked up, sniffed the air and as quickly as they attacked Ed they left.

Ed: The hell?

Ed heard footsteps coming his way. Out from the shadow of the tree stood the ex fuhrer of the country, or other wise known as Pride.

Pride: Why Ed my dear boy even the animals know when a person of greatness has arrived.

Ed: Don't you mean great evil?

Pride: Now now. Even you cannot deny what all I did for the country. I even dubbed you The Full Metal Alchemist!

Ed: All you wanted was the Philosopher Stone! And to achieve that you needed pain and suffering of others brought on by war!

Pride: Details details details. It's all good.

Ed knew this would be his only time he would be able to do something so daring and so drastic that he marched right up to Pride, stared straight at him, stuck out his tongue, and went PHBTBTBT right in der Fuhrer's face!

Pride: Why I never! Such audacity coming from a dog of the military!

Pride wiped his face and walked away never to be seen again. Well at least for the rest of this story.

Ed: That was strangely satisfying.

It was a shame that Ed didn't have time to savor the feeling when Greed ran right passed him.

Greed: Where is she?

Ed: Who?

Greed: Lust that's who.

Ed: Why are you looking for her?

Greed: Let me see if I can explain it, so even you can understand. I'm Greed; I want it all and all the time. She is Lust. Get it? Wink wink nudge nudge.

Ed: No.

Greed's face turned to ash which was very good considering he's a Homunculus.

Greed: All this time you've never been told the facts of life?

Ed: Apparently I was not since my mother died while I was too young to learn!

Greed: Not even in the military?

Ed: Nope . Well there was this one time late at night when General Mustang wanted me to talk to me about something, but Hawkeye interrupted.

Greed patted Ed on the back and was about to give his condolences when he spied the goodie basket Ed was carrying even after being attacked by the woodland creatures earlier. Like a kid with ADD, Greed snatched the basket completely forgetting about Lust and ran away giggling never to be seen again for the rest of the story.

Ed: That greedy little bastard! He took Granny Pinako's goodie basket! What am I gonna do now?

Me: Psst... Remember you're an alchemist. Make another one.

Ed: Oh yeah!

Ed put his hands together and another basket appeared with all sorts of nice things to eat and drink with the exception of the milk.

Me: Just curious, but what was the equivalent trade in order to make the new goodie basket?

Ed: I mentally raided Winry's ice box.

Me: You can do that! Wait I'm the author, and you can!

Winry started to make dinner. She opened up the ice box only to notice that most everything was gone except for a note and a bottle of milk.

Dear Winry,

I had a run in with Greed, and he swiped the basket. I had to make another one. I hope you understand, and please enjoy the milk.

Ed

Winry: He's gonna be a dead metal alchemist when he gets back.

And so young mister Elric was off once again on his way to Granny Pinako's house. What will be in store for our fave alchem... wait. Al isn't here.

Ed: Very funny.

What else will Ed face in the uber scary forest? Find out in Chapter 3.

Ed: Wait! Chapter two is already over?

Me: Yes.

Ed: But the story line didn't progress.

Me: So? This was not intended to be a one shot fiction. In addition, I thought up more stuff to do to I mean for you.

Ed: Great. Just great.


	3. Going Round and Around

Little Red Full Metal Alchemist - KitKat

Again I own nothing in regards to everything relating to Fullmetal Alchemist.

Okay Fullmetal is one not two words, and Roy Mustang is a Colonel not a General. It looks as though I give hin a promotion in this story.

Roy: Just doing my best to climb the military ladder until the day comes when I will make it official that girls and Ed wear miniskirts at headquarters.

Ed and Riza: NO!

And with that...

Chapter 3

Going Round and Around

Edward Elric was still walking in the dark scary forest.

Ed: I'm getting very bored! I've been walking and walking, but there doesn't seem to be an end in sight!

What Ed doesn't know is that he has been walking around in circles.

Ed: WHAT?

Me: You had to do something between chapters you know. See the footprints in front of you?

Ed: Yeah?

Me: Stop following them.

Ed: Why if I ever...

Me: Be good or I'll throw you in the Eva-verse, and don't think I haven't ever thought about it!

So our blonde hair and golden-eyed alchemist kept walking where there were no other foot prints. Ed kept wondering what this Eva-verse place was. He wondered if they had alchemy or if they fought anything with names of sin or had any cute soft-spoken German girls. His mind was occupied in thought until he heard a creaking sound not too far away. It sounded like it was trying to say something.

Sound: Oil can!

Ed walked closer and closer and then in a small clearing stood Al. Al was not alone however, all the forest animals that attacked Ed earlier were keeping Al company. Birds were sitting on Al's armored head and shoulders, and the chipmunks and squirrels were frolicking around having a very good time. All the little animals loved Alphonse Elric.

Ed: Didn't see that coming. (Yeahright)

Al: Oil can brother!

Ed: Al?

Al: Yes brother?

The animals took one look at Ed and were about to attack him once again until Al begged them not to, so they left. The last squirrel gave Ed a raspberry. Ed wanted to spear it with is automail arm, but Al distracted him by saying again.

Al: Yes brother?

Ed: Oh damn, he ran away. Oh Al, I think you're in the wrong story.

Al: But I was told to wait here by the nice author.

Me: I'm so very sorry sweetie. This was the only way for me to get you into the story.

Al: Awe... Okay everyone you can come out now; it looks like The Fullmetal Alchemist of Oz won't be happening.

Ed nearly fell down when he saw the following come out from what looked like nowhere. There was Nina as Dorothy, Alexander as a big Toto, Rose as Glenda the Good Witch of the North, Scar as the Scarecrow, and Dante as the Wicked Witch of the West.

Ed: Hey Dante, how come you didn't dress up?

Dante: When I get the Philosopher's Stone my pretty it will be the end of you and your little brother Ed too!

Ed: AL IS MY LITTLE BROTHER!

And she disappeared in a puff of green smoke.

Scar: I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life. In fact, the ten thousand people in my right arm are embarrassed for me.

Ed was about to ask Scar about the Philosopher's Stone, but by the time Ed turned to face him Scar was gone as was Nina, Alexander, and Rose.

Al: Brother?

Ed: Yes Al?

Al: Is this suppose to be the dark scary forest?

Ed: That's what I've been told. Have you seen anything scary?

Al: Not really. A few hours ago I saw Lust running away from Greed screaming that she has a headache. What does she mean by that brother?

Ed: Beats me.

Al: Well have you seen anything scary?

Ed: I've seen Pride, Greed, and just now Dante, so no.

Right as Ed finished utters those words pink sparkles filled the air. All Ed and Al could do was watch in horror as Major Armstrong leaps in completely topless wearing only pink leotards and a frilly pink tutu.

Armstrong: Ballet has been an Armstrong family tradition for more than five generations!

Armstrong flexed his muscles and leapt away leaving Ed and Al very stunned and very scared.

Ed: Al, can I climb inside your armor please?

Al: I don't think that would be wise brother.

Too bad for Al cause Ed went ahead and opened his younger (and much nicer) brother's chest plate. Ed found the most disgusting thing sitting inside of his brother Al. What did Ed find?

A. Sloth

B. A naked Roy Mustang smiling or

C. A cute cuddly kitten

If you said C, you would be correct.

Al: Can I keep him brother? PLEASE!

Ed: No! I hate cats! I hate cats more than I hate Colonel Mustang, and that's saying something!

Me: Let your brother have the kitten Ed.

Ed: NO!

Me: ED!

Ed: You can't make me!

Me: Actually I can...

And so the sweet and kind author let Al keep the kitten much to chagrin of Ed.

Al: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Kitten: Mrow!

Ed: ...

Al was directed to the nearest Petsmart (cause that's where all the smart pet owners go) leaving his older and much shorter and meaner brother Ed all alone in the dark scary forest.

Ed: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M SO SMALL THAT I COULD USE A WALNUT SHELL AS A BOAT AND HAVE A FROG KIDNAP ME?

Me: Dude you really need to see a doctor about those outbursts. Oh, but look Ed!

Ed: Huh? What is that? Why it's Granny Pinako's house! We're getting back to the story!

Ed began to race toward the reason for this whole story. That was until...

Me: You can't go there just yet, we are at the end of Chapter 3.

Ed: WHAT?

Me: We ran a little long in here cause I wanted to use Al as much as possible.

Ah poor Edward Elric who can't seem to catch a break even in a fairy tale. What will happen when Ed finally makes it to Granny Pinako's place? How much can one boy's soul bound to armor buy at Petsmart? Will Armstrong become the next Sugarplum Fairy?

Ed: You are going to pay for mine and Al's therapy cause of the last one you know.

Find out in Chapter 4!


	4. To Grandmother Pinako’s House

Little Red FullMetal Alchemist - By KitKat

Again I own nothing well not counting the computer that I'm writing this piece of fan fiction. I would like to welcome our special guest for this chapter none other than Yucie of Petite Princess Yucie. By the way, I don't own that either. Gainax owns that, and Greed owns Gainax.

Yucie: Ed, I want you to know everything will be all right, and you will find the Philosopher's Stone. Then it will grant you your wish to become taller!

Ed: ...

Yucie: Okay I did what the author told me to do. May I have Cube back, please!

Ed: HOW DARE YOU SAY I'M SO SMALL THAT... Wait... You're just a child no older than ten, and you're smaller than I am!

Yucie: Actually, I'm seventeen.

Ed's jaw drops to the ground like an anvil in a Warner Brother's cartoon.

Ed: YOU'RE... YOU'RE OLDER THAN I?

A tiny female figure with lavender hair in long pig tails appears on Ed's left shoulder wearing a skin tight suit with red horns on her head, black bat wings on her back, a red pointy tail at her end.

Devil Grenda: Call her a brat!

Ed: You're nothing but a brat!

Then a tiny male figure appeared on Yucie's left shoulder wearing a blue military uniform, blue horns on his head, blue bat wings on his back, and a blue pointy tail at his end.

Devil Roy: Call him a shrimp!

Yucie: Shrimp!

Devil Grenda: Call her forehead girl!

Ed: Forehead girl!

Devil Roy: Call him a bean boy.

Yucie: Bean boy!

Well as nice as this may look, it's time to start the story. Oh good, Cube has brought the popcorn.

Chapter 4

To Grandmother Pinako's House

There it is up ahead in the distance! Granny Pinako's house was quaint little cottage with a white picket fence surrounding it. In addition it was conveniently situated on the outskirts of the uber scary forest of the Seven Deadly Sins. At any moment now Fullmetal with his basket of goodies should be there knocking on the door.

Any minute now.

Yep, Ed WILL BE THERE ANY MINUTE NOW!

Me: Ed, you're on! Where the hell are you?

The author looked frantically for him, but could not find the chibi-chan alchemist.

Ed: ARE YOU SAYING THAT I AM SO SHORT THAT I NEED SIX OTHER ME'S LIVING IN ONE COTTAGE WITH SNOW WHITE?

Me: There you are! I swear on a stack of pancakes I really didn't see you. Oh how cute! You alchemized an outhouse!

Ed: A little privacy if you please. (Sheesh).

Me: Okay okay okay... I'll go see what these two are doing.

Two figures are sitting serenely under a spreading chestnut tree. A mother is reading to a child from a book called Fairy Tales for Homunculi. There's even the sign of the ouroboros on the cover between the words in the title.

Sloth: And once Dante, Edward, and Alphonse were defeated.

Wrath: I like Al! I guess if Al doesn't die, Ed can't die either. (Hmph)

Sloth: Well once we obtained the Philosopher's Stone and became human we left this world for the one beyond the gate.

Wrath: Oooooooo...

Sloth pointed at pictures of the former Homunculi and what they did in the new world. The first picture was Gluttony wearing a chef's hat, holding eating utensils, and wearing the biggest smile on his face.

Sloth: Gluttony opened up a buffet restaurant, but not just any buffet restaurant. It was really an "All You Can Eat" buffet called Gluttony's World Buffet where the slogan is, "Yes! You can eat it!" If you want to eat the plates you can! You want to eat the table you can and so forth!

The next picture was of Lust standing in a room full of slinky dresses and other sleek and sexy women's attire.

Sloth: Lust now owned not one but two businesses! Lustful Lingerie and Lust's Nail Salon'n Self-defense School. Women wanted to be just like her, and men just wanted her.

Sloth turned the page and Wrath's eyes grow even bigger at the third picture which was of Greed standing in front of a huge hotel with other huge hotels on a strip in the middle of a desert.

Sloth: Greed became a successful casino owner in a city called Las Vegas. He aptly named his establishment Sin. Men wanted to be just like him, and women just wanted him.

Wrath: Oooooooo...

Pride was in the fourth picture looking well prideful as ever shaking hands and kissing babies for this was the path to politics in an area called Washington, D.C. The fifth picture showed Envy in Hollywood. Though no longer able to change his appearance at a blink of an eye, Envy was still able to make it as an actor in both male and female roles.

Wrath: What about us?

Sloth turned to the final page of the book. The setting was a cozy kitchen with a beautiful mother cooking breakfast and a young boy dressed for school sitting at the table.

Sloth: Why I became the best loving mommy to the sweetest loving little boy in the whole wide world.

Me: That was beautiful I'm getting all teary eyed. (Blows nose) Okay Ed are you ready now? If you're not, we will have to end this chapter and start chapter five.

Ed: No No No! I'm ready!

Me: I had a feeling you say that. Okay where were we... Oh yes!

There it is up ahead in the distance! Granny Pinako's house was quaint little cottage with a white picket fence surrounding it. In addition it was conveniently situated on the outskirts of the uber scary forest of the Seven Deadly Sins. Any moment Ed, a.k.a. the Fullmetal Alchemist, with his basket of goodies will be there knocking on the door.

Ed: Here I am with my basket of goodies from Winry in tow knocking on the door right now.

Ed knocked on the door of Granny Pinako's cottage, but there was no answer.

Ed: Winry said that she'd be here. I'll knock again.

So Ed knocked on the door again, and still nothing. Ed placed his gloved hand the doorknob and with barely a touch the door then opened.

Ed: Hey Granny it's Ed! You really need to do a better job shutting and locking your door.

Pinako: Thank you for coming my dear sweet boy. I'm sick in bed, so if you please come in here, so I can see you.

Ed: She must be really ill cause she's being so sweet and nice to me.

What Ed did not know was that she was not really Granny Pinako, but Envy instead. Where did the real Granny Pinako go? Well if you are up on your fairy tales, she was devoured whole by Gluttony who was sitting in the kitchen watching Ed and Envy in background.

Pinako: (inside Gluttony) I've been in tougher spots.

So our hero, super genius, and all around cutie pie entered into what he thought was Granny Pinako's bedroom. Well it was her bedroom, but well you get the idea.

FauxPinako: Come in come in my dear sweet boy.

Ed: Winry wanted me to deliver this to you. I hope you like it. I'll place them on the table by the bed.

Ed thought it was a bit odd that Granny Pinako's hair had a slight tint of green to it

Ed: My what shade of green you have in your hair Granny.

FauxPinkao: The better to look good my dear.

Ed thought maybe she had her hair died, but then why was she wearing a bandana just like Envy's on her head?

Ed: My what an envious bandana you have!

That was it. FauxPinako was tired of playing this silly game and leapt into the air changing back into Envy yelling...

Envy: The better to kick your scrawny little ass chibi-chan!

Ed: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I'M SO SHORT THAT...

Ed never finished what he was trying to say because right when Envy landed back on the bed he fell off and landed onto the hard wood floor with a thud.

Envy: LEG CRAMP!

Ed: Leg cramp?

Envy: No Offence chibi-chan, but I was stuck in that tinier than you body for a long time, and ow ow ow ow ow ow. Hey author, can we stop right here so I can recover.

Me: Sure.

Envy: And don't go sneaking out either Ed!

Ed was doing just that, but soon found Gluttony blocking the front door and only exit.

Ed: Why is this happening to me?

Me: Lucky I guess. But look at it this way, we made progress in the story!

Ed: Yippee.


End file.
